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Happy Independence Day Sales Event Weekend, everybody!
I will soon leave you to pedal off into a dazzling pyrotechnic display of both freedom and savings, but before I do I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to buy a bicycle company:
I mean why the hell not, right?
Since 2008, Alchemy has been producing premium, unique, and lust-worthy mountain, road, and gravel bikes. With current models, including the versatile Arktos trail bike platform and the Lycos gravel bike, and older models like the Ronin gravel and Helios road bike, the brand has been crafting beautiful frames in both carbon and titanium for years.
Pending acceptance of my $1,500 offer, I’ve already reviewed their lineup, and I’ll be axing this bike:
And this bike:
For that matter, I’ll be axing all their bikes, since there are about a gazillion companies also offering nearly identical iterations of everything they sell Instead, I’ll offer one model and one model only, that being a normal steel road bike. Do you know it’s nearly impossible to get a normal steel road bike with rim brakes nowadays? (Well, a new one, anyway.) For example, Surly used to offer the Pacer:
Do you know what they offer now? This:
Look, you know me. You know I’m not fussy when it comes to aesthetics. You know I’m sort of a dirtbag who doesn’t clean his bikes and tolerates all sorts of mismatched parts. But sweet fancy Moishe that headtube/fork combo is a crime against humanity:
Like seriously, nobody should be allowed to sell something that ugly.
Then again I probably don’t even need to bother with the normal steel road bike because the one you still can buy doesn’t really leave any room for improvement:
Though a bird did manage to defile its exquisite lugwork:
I don’t know how it managed to hit the seat lug of all places, but I’m going to go ahead and consider it a sign of good luck.
Have a great holiday weekend, ride safe, and may your own good omens manifest themselves in a more sanitary fashion.
–Tan Tenovo
