Enough Already – Bike Snob NYC

I’ve got a bone to pick with Ms. Greta:

How dare me? How dare you! I thought the planet was boiling and the glaciers were melting and that by now my children wouldn’t know what snow looks like and I’d be dodging falling coconuts in February. Yet this winter’s kicking the crap out of us. So what gives!?!

Yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say. “That’s not how climate change works!” Oh, spare me. I WAS PROMISED A SEARING-HOT FUTURE AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT!!! I’m tired of icy winds, and frozen, blighted landscapes, and squinting as the snow cover redirects the rays of the sun straight into my retinas:

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m making the best of it. When the trails are frozen and I’m heading out on the Roadini:

And when the snow is deep and the roads are a mess I’m out there on the be-fendered Homer:

But the older I get the more interminable the winters seem. Perhaps I need to retire to some cycling paradise with a mild climate, like the Mediterranean, or Frederick, MD:

Where “Everyday Ray” has ridden his bicycle every single day for over seven* years:

*[Note to Intern: check that math.]

So is he possessed of an uncommon fortitude? Or is Frederick simply a cycling paradise?

Oh, and if you’re wondering, Everyday Ray owns six bikes, and one of them’s a Seven:

So I guess you could say he’s all sixes and Sevens.

Sorry.

In any case, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor idiot motorist stays this Frederick Fred from the swift completion of his appointed ride:

Good for him, and long may he cycle–though it does occur to me that there is no easier spouse to cuckold than a cyclist, given our utterly dependable daily disappearances. In fact, some of us even share our exact location at all times to make it even easier!

And yet few of us think to do the same with our bikes, though it’s probably not a bad idea:

Apparently an AirTag led police right to the location:

I was of course more interested in learning about this “one-of-a-kind bicycle,” which turned out to be a Pivot Firebird:

I’m totally out of it when it comes to suspension bicycles, so I headed over to the Pivot site to see what it was all about:

I quickly learned that this is the ideal bicycle if you’re looking to don a full-face helmet and hump the watermelon:

I also watched this highly informative video:

From which I learned the Firebird boasts a trunnion-mounted something-or-other that looks like the bike has an oil derrick in its crotch:

I don’t know what any of those words mean, but presumably the thing in the middle is the Johnson rod:

I guess I have cars on the brain since I’ve been attempting to diagnose a check engine light on my aging four-wheeled internal combustion recumbent, and I’ve gotten about as far as getting the code:

This narrows it down considerably, since based on my research this code can mean anything from the gas cap is too loose to the engine’s about to explode. So naturally I’ve tightened the gas cap and am hoping for the best, because if it’s anything more complicated than that then I’m out of my depth.

Fuck it, I’m leasing a Hyundai