Now That’s A Stretch – Bike Snob NYC

The Internet is full of people criticizing things they know nothing about. I know this better than most, because 90% of this blog is me criticizing things I know nothing about. So I’ve decided to change that by learning all about electric mountain bikes:

Okay, let’s see, there’s the “battery:”

And the “motor:”

Yeah, I think I got it.

Now that I’m an expert I can get back to criticizing them. Whew!

Oh, and just remember:

Pedalling assistance can help riders with injuries, disabilities or health problems get out on the trails, or less fit riders keep up with sportier friends/partners.

You know, riders like this guy:

We need mountain bikes with motors because those watermelons aren’t going to help themselves.

Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, an innocuous “Share The Road” campaign is tearing the city of Hull apart like an iceberg of smugness shredding an ocean liner’s, uh, hull:

Mostly it’s just the usual stuff about how cyclists don’t watch where there going and how drivers kill people, though this question did stand out in its sheer profundity:

Paula questioned why cyclists, many of whom also drove cars, behaved differently “as soon as they slip on their Lycra”.

Great question, Paula! Why indeed?

Well, I don’t think anybody can answer that question conclusively, though there’s just something about clothing made from Lycra that makes you want to dance:

And sing:

And occasionally pummel the shit out of somebody:

And these are just a few of the wonderful things you can do in Lycra.

Oh, and did you know Lance wasn’t the only Armstrong to wear Lycra?

This message has been brought to you by LYCRA®, the official fabric of F-U-N!

Oh, and fuck cotton.

(Yes, as anyone who bought their first road bike nine months ago and learned how to use clipless pedals six months ago will tell you, never, ever ride a bike while wearing cotton.)

By the way, since LYCRA® is of course a globally recognized trademark, I will refer to it in the proper fashion (“LYCRA®”) going forward:

Though if the people at LYCRA® are so concerned they should really go after all these bike-haters who are always railing against people in “Lycra.”

It seems to me that the manner in which people have turned the LYCRA® trademark into a byword for irresponsible cyclists (when they don’t even know for sure whether the irresponsible cyclists in question are even wearing proper LYCRA®-brand stretchy shorts!) is grounds for a lawsuit. Certainly with all its billions of dollars from decades of making underpants for astronauts and activewear for for people who do half-assed workouts in the suburbs LYCRA® could engage a dream team of attorneys to not only restore some dignity to the name but also eliminate anti-cyclist slander once and for all.

Though I guess that could backfire on us and they could just decide to go after the cyclists instead.

Forget I said anything.