Ranking the 4 WNBA nicknames we’re hoping to speak into existence

I’m going to direct you to a Reddit post. Wow! Here it is!

I’ll never begrudge anyone not clicking a Reddit link, so I’ll talk what it is at you. It’s a screenshot of an interaction between Sophie Cunningham and Sydney Colson below a dance video that Natasha Howard posted on TikTok. The interaction goes like this:

“no way you left out white chocolate”

Sophie Cunningham

“U HAVE to stop callin urself that cuz literally NOBODY calls u that”

Sydney Colson

Anyone who follows Syd Colson on social media knows that she is basically an authority figure. She is arguably the funniest person alive, she will say things that need to be said (but they actually seem to come from a place of compassion rather than “oooh poking at an insecurity sounds fun”), and when she is not joking … she is not joking.

So I’m sorry, Sophie Cunningham. You are not White Chocolate. You will never be White Chocolate. Calling yourself White Chocolate was stupid. You are stupid. Stupid people shouldn’t feel bad for being stupid, but the only way I can foresee a future in which that happens is if we find a way to make everyone focus on how stupid you are so that other stupid people can safely camouflage. I’m sorry that you have to be the world’s designated stupid person, but let’s be honest. You did this to yourself.

Some terrible nicknames for WNBA players

So here are some awful nicknames. I’ve ranked them by how bad they are. I’m using my own scale that I came up with at random. Any similarities to people or places past, present, or fictional are entirely the product of your own messed up imagination, you sicko.

Last Place: Alyssa Thomas — A Terminator

Take her initials then make them an acronym for “A Terminator.” That’s awful, right? Not even “The Terminator.” We’re using an indefinite article. AT is one of multiple in this scenario. That’s so damn disrespectful. There is only one AT, and she has zero shoulders.

Score: 4.5/5 Sophies

First Place at Being Awful: A’ja Wilson — The Apostrophe

An idiot speaks, “Think about it! Apostrophes often lead to an ‘s signifying possession, and A’ja Wilson owns women’s basketball. Also, apostrophes also lead to contractions, and women give birth!”

Not only a horrible nickname, but maybe the most crass justification I’ve ever heard. Who would say that?

Score: 4.7/5 Sophies

Extra Extra Bonus Bad: Syd Colson — White Chocolate

What does that even mean? What is happening?

uhhhh

Scores: 5/5 Sophies

Number 1: Kate Martin — Money Martin

I think that’s just her actual nickname. Like, it’s not great, but it’s fine? I guess? I need to figure out where this list came from, and why it keeps populating my Google Doc on its own.

Score: 2.1/5 Sophies

This seems like the right place to stop.

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