Roadside Attractions – Bike Snob NYC

Few places are as rife with serendipity as the American roadside:

And few people know this better than cyclists. Not only would many motorists like to consign us there permanently:

But we also find all manner of flotsam, detritus, and bric-a-brac. Indeed, in this sense the roadside is the Sargasso Sea of the American subconscious, and happening upon all strange stuff that collects there is such a universal experience for cyclists that people have written moderately amusing articles about it:

There’s even a The Facing Book group dedicated entirely to the phenomenon. Here’s someone who found four (4) cents:

He also found twenty (20) cents:

And before that he found fifty (50) cents!

That’s seventy-four cents between July 7th and today, and if the roadside keeps paying out for him at that rate then he’ll be able to afford a brand-new SRAM cassette in just 84 years:

[SRAM 13-speed something-or-other, $660]

It’s true what they say, riding a bicycle really does pay for itself.

I too have come across my share of noteworthy items, and just yesterday I found this:

Presumably someone in a moving car needed to access the device in great haste and could not be bothered to dispose of the packaging properly. (Hey, we’ve all been there, right? Right…?) Alas, the box was empty, which is a shame because Dr. Skin is highly respected and is generally regarded as the Dr. Scholl of prosthetic phalluses.

I myself was rather intrigued by this accessory, but only because it seems like it has tremendous potential for gravel cycling. For example, what if you still ride a primitive bicycle without downtube storage?

Well, you’ll note that not only is the device fully adjustable, but it’s also hollow:

This makes it ideal for strapping to your frame for use as an auxiliary (waterproof!) storage solution.

Or, if you buy two, you can use the penises as hand grips and then use the harnesses to lash stuff to the handlebars of your Grizl:

Now that’s what I call hand and arm relief.