When The Bough Breaks – Bike Snob NYC

Like many people I start my morning by drinking coffee and taking in the day’s headlines. (Though unlike many people I also start my morning with a wooden salad bowl full of Froot Loops and almond milk, served to me by a helper monkey named “Vito II,” in honor of his predecessor.) One of the headlines was from one of those publications that says it’s only thing standing between us and an autocratic dystopia:

When the military is deployed to quell overwhelmingly peaceful protest, when elected officials of the opposing party are arrested or handcuffed, when student activists are jailed and deported, and when a wide range of civic institutions – non-profits, law firms, universities, news outlets, the arts, the civil service, scientists – are targeted and penalized by the federal government, it’s hard to avoid the conclusion that our core freedoms are disappearing before our eyes – and democracy itself is slipping away.

As a blogger I employ a similar marketing tactic, in that I like to constantly stoke paranoia and fear about an all-electronic battery-powered carbon cycling future, all whilst presenting myself as some sort of freedom fighter because I endorse steel bikes with friction shifters:

This is somewhat disingenuous on my part since not only have I been riding this monstrosity for like a year now, but we’re unlikely to exhaust the supply of steel frames, rim brakes, and mechanical drivetrains anytime soon, though I will say I do have a lot more faith in the future of democracy than I do in the future of bicycles.

Anyway, as for the aforementioned media outlet, they are defending democracy with vital stories such as this one:

He used to feel that exercise was “like being a hamster on a wheel,” but now that he’s actually a hamster on a wheel he feels differently:

I used to feel exercise was a waste of time, like being a hamster on a wheel, spinning and doing very little. But the benefits of consistent exercise have been pretty amazing for me. It has helped me to reach a level of fitness where I feel less anxious about going to the gym, but I also reap the mental health benefits of sticking to a routine and enjoying the aches days after I push myself a little harder than before (a masochistic hangover from my rugby days).

Of course I am glad to see that he has found a form of exercise that works for him. As cyclists, we tend to take exercise for granted, since our favorite activity also happens to be not only a form of exercise but also a mode of transportation, and we are extremely fortunate in that regard. Most people have to force themselves to exercise, or else integrate it into their usual routine by spinning in front of the TV, or walking on a treadmill at a standing desk, or any number of ways humans in the post-industrial age have managed to sort of trick themselves into fitness now that they don’t have to work the land or flee from saber-tooth tigers, dinosaurs, fire-breathing dragons, and other large predators:

Seems to me the newest fitness trend will be to simply cohabitate with a man-eating predator, making every waking moment of your life a struggle to survive. Now that’ll keep you lean and nimble–and make for great TikToks!

But as cyclists we don’t have this problem. Nobody has to chase us, and we don’t have to convince ourselves to exercise. If we’ve got any free time at all we immediately hop on our bikes, whether we have to go someplace or not–and if we don’t we just ride to nowhere, which isn’t really all that much different than sitting there and watching TV. Some of us also take pride in the fact that we’re doing something healthy, or not burning gasoline, or not taking up lots of space on the roadway, and sometimes that pride boils even boils over into smugness–though if we’re honest many of us would probably keep riding even if it was demonstrably bad for both our health and the environment. This more than anything else is probably the real difference between people who ride bikes and cyclists: some people really do ride primarily for exercise or because it’s practical or because they’re trying to make the world a better place, but a cyclist is basically just a junkie whose habit is only slightly less debilitating.

So while as a cyclist I can’t help looking at some guy frittering away on a spin bike in front of the TV and think to myself, “Hey, you’re halfway there, now just put some goddamn wheels on that thing and get outside!,” I know that’s really just the junkie in me talking. Certainly you could make a strong argument that he’s the rational one, and you really can’t blame normal non-junkies for wanting to do all their cycling-based exercises inside. Certainly people exaggerate the dangers of cycling, but when things go wrong they can go really wrong:

Though one of the victims wasn’t even on a bike at all, she was just sitting on a bench:

Police say two women were in a stolen blue Chevy, speeding off the Manhattan Bridge. The 23-year-old driver lost control, jumped the curb and hit and killed both victims before slamming into an unoccupied police van.

The women tried taking off, but were caught nearby. They are being detained while they are in the hospital.

Meanwhile, the driver had already been charged for an unlicensed hit-and-run and was freed without bail:

The troubled 23-year-old woman accused in Saturday’s hit-run that killed two people in Chinatown had been charged in another horror crash just three months ago and freed without bail, records show.

The suspect, identified by sources as Autumn Donna Ascencio Romero, was charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving without a license in the April 13 Brooklyn crash, which reportedly left a 22-year-old pedestrian with injuries including to her face and neck.

Fortunately when the Mamdani administration comes in people without licenses will no longer drive recklessly and while intoxicated in New York City since they’ll have access to free bus rides. And in the unlikely event someone does still choose to break the law, the planned Department of Community Safety will be able to refer it to the Office for Ending Gender Based Violence:

Problem solved.

Of course, based on some of the news coverage it also sounds like the driver was mentally ill, in which case the Office of Community Mental Health would take care of it–which does sound good, except that we already have one, and where were they?

Welcome to the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene.

With an annual budget of $1.6 billion and more than 7,000 employees throughout the five boroughs, we are one of the largest public health agencies in the world. We are also the nation’s oldest municipal public health agency, with over two centuries of leadership in the field.

This seems like having both a Gravel Brand Manager and a Gravel Product Manager, but at least when you’re sitting on a park bench and a mentally ill driver is speeding towards you in a stolen Chevy you can contemplate this in your final moments:

We recognize that historic and contemporary injustices in government, health care, and other institutions have deepened distrust and contributed to individual and collective trauma, while exacerbating inequities across health conditions.

We acknowledge that Black, Latino, Indigenous, and all people of color continue to experience and resist the daily impact and reality of years of disinvestment, racism, biased treatment, and oppression.

I realize the above may be unduly cynical, but at a certain point you can’t help noticing the only thing that really changes as far as how the city handles this sort of thing is the language in which they choose to dress it.

Speaking of disaster striking without warning, in the comments to a recent post (sorry, I’m too lazy to look up when and where) someone mentioned the danger of falling trees, and towards the end of my ride yesterday a tree bough came crashing down in front of me:

This is not the first time I’ve experienced this, and in fact not too long ago after doing some bike maintenance I was taking a little shakedown ride around the neighborhood when I was clobbered by a pretty sizeable branch that just missed my head and hit me in the shoulder.

Some may point out that this is yet another reason to wear a helmet while cycling, though by that logic it’s just as compelling reason to wear a helmet while walking, and I don’t see anyone doing that.

Ultimately we’re all just sitting on our own little benches, come what may.