In The Zone – Bike Snob NYC

Firstly, I see the presale for complete Clem Smith, Jrs. opens today, so I’m sharing it with you as a public service:

We replaced my wife’s WorkCycles with a Clem in 2020 once child-hauling was no longer a priority and she’s been delighted with it ever since. One distinguishing feature of the Clem of course is the ample space between the rear wheel and the seat tube, which resembles the map of an East Coast state, but the long wheelbase makes for a profoundly smooth and stable ride (not to mention you can stick a pump back there even if you’ve got fenders), and once you ride one you understand.

Nextly, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but do you remember when Fizik used to have this whole system where you’d choose a saddle based on what your scranial spirit animal was?

Maybe they still market their saddles that way, I have no idea.

Regardless, the way it worked was you enlisted a reluctant partner who watched you bend over:

Then, based on your degree of pelvic flexibility, you were either a “snake,” a “chameleon,” or a “bull:”

This covered 99.5% of riders. If you were among the remaining .5% who were so flexible they found to their surprise they were also able to autofellate themselves, Fizik categorized you as an “ouroboros:”

In which case they had a very…special saddle for you:

And yes, it’s real:

But yeah, you’re not supposed to sit on the actual protrusion:

At least not without the matching shorts:

Once upon a time, a backrest like that used to be called a “sissy bar:”

[From here.]

I’m surprised they haven’t brought these back for the Party Pace backpacking set, as it seems like yet another place to strap an artisanal bag. Brooks should really get to work on that.

Anyway, if you’ve ever bent over and discovered you’re a snake (that sounded weird) you’ll be pleased to know it’s officially your year!

I know this because the schools were closed for Lunar New Year yesterday. (New York City schools observe every cultural holiday in existence and there are only about five days a year the kids are actually in school.) So I figured I’d take my younger son to the New York Aquarium in Coney Island in THE CAR THAT I OWN (sorry, smuggies, but from where I live that’s one long-ass subway ride), a journey that would take me right through the new congestion pricing relief zone:

Actually, it wouldn’t technically take me through it, it would take me along the edge of it, as you don’t get charged unless you exit the highway. Either way, this would be my first time above ground anywhere near the zone since the toll kicked in, and I was looking forward to finally seeing the effects for myself. So far, reports have indicated a significant reduction in traffic:

And the NYPD has apparently been cracking down on toll evaders:

So I wondered if I’d be able to feel the effects.

Now, I should say that I don’t regularly make this journey, nor do I typically drive through the city during the week, so unlike someone who drives the same route day after day I don’t exactly have a solid baseline. Also, the schools were closed citywide, which always has a palliative effect on the roads. At the same time, I’ve been traveling all these roads for many years, and I certainly know what to expect when driving from the Bronx to Brooklyn on a weekday. Basically, it’s like driving into a giant blob of silicone, and the more you fight it, the more stuck you get.

On this particular occasion though the drive was in fact relatively painless. Yes, there were still plenty of cars and trucks and things that go, and it certainly wasn’t the kind of traffic where you ask yourself, “What the hell happened and where the hell is everybody?” Howevever, it was the kind of traffic where if you were driving to see a relative and they asked you how the traffic was you’d say, “You know, for a weekday it really wasn’t bad!”

As for the NYPD crackdowns, I didn’t see any (though I did see one at the Henry Hudson Bridge a few months ago, it was awesome), but I also didn’t see too many obscured or fake license plates. Then again, I live in the Bronx, where a paper plate with some numbers written on it in Sharpie and Scotch-taped to your bumper passes for a license plate, so my perception may be skewed. I did drive for awhile behind somebody with two completely different license plates on the front and rear of the vehicle, and the rear plate was stripped of most of its paint, and there were also the usual Ubers with their license plates crinkled to foil the cameras like we used to crinkle our race numbers so they wouldn’t flap in the wind. But it was less egregious than I thought it would be, especially since I was really looking.

Of course, it was only one drive, but I had expected that if anything traffic would be the same or worse after congestion pricing and that every other car would have an obscured license plate. So perhaps I really was wrong to be skeptical. Then again, even congestion pricing’s biggest advocate says the lighter traffic is only temporary, so I guess we’ll see:

I think the idea is people like me will be encouraged to drive because of exactly what I just described, and then Step Three will kick in:

Either way, whether it was congestion pricing or Lunar New Year or just plain luck, I did get home with enough time to squeeze in a little ride before the sun set:

And just in case it was luck that got me home early, I didn’t push it by doing the jumps:

Incidentally, in the parking lot of the aquarium I thought I heard somebody say “Bike Snob” by way of a salutation, though I wasn’t sure. If you did and you happen to be reading this I’m sorry I didn’t reply. Certainly if you ever see me out and about you should feel free to call out a greeting, because I always appreciate feeling special:

Though I do ask that if I’m with my kid you extend me the additional courtesy of also asking for an autograph and a selfie. You know, I’ve gotta keep up appearances somehow, and as any parent knows, the older they get the harder it is to maintain the illusion of your greatness.