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Is there anything more nauseating than two people in love?
Of course not–unless you’re the one who’s in love, in which case there’s nothing more intoxicating. You know when you finally meet That Special Someone and you just can’t believe how goddamn compatible you are? It’s like each new encounter brings forth another revelation about how wonderful the other person is and how seamlessly you interlock. “Wait, you like walking on the beach at sunset? Me too!” “You sometimes lick your fingers to open the plastic bag in the produce section and then test out pieces of fruit with that same hand? Me too!” “You get sad when you see missing pet flyers but will totally walk right by a homeless person on a cold day? Me too!”
And so on.
Well, I remain in a similar state of nausea-inducing intoxication with the Roadini, which seems more and more like the ideal life partner with each passing ride:
Will this love truly last forever? Or will I run off with some other lugged beauty? Perhaps one day I’ll order some fancy bit of waxed cotton luggage for the Platypus and the Roadini will fly into a fit of jealousy and leave me. Sure, I’ll lie and say, “It was for you, I swear!” But it won’t work.
“REALLY, A BAG THE SIZE OF A COUNTRY MAILBOX? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT? I DON’T EVEN HAVE AND SADDLE LOOPS!”
[Photo via Rivendell]
Well, come what may, it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved and so forth, and I am positively smitten–but not so smitten than I can’t give credit where credit is due. Rivendell calls the Roadini an “all-around, all-weather road bike.” But they did not invent the concept of a comfortable road bicycle that accepts wider tires, even if they have been doing it for like 30 years, and even if other companies like Hampsten and Cielo Gunnar and Surly and Cielo and who knows how many others were doing it too, and even if The Road Bikes Of Yore were more versatile simply as a matter of course.
No, everbody knows Specialized invented the concept in 2004 with the Roubaix. Don’t believe me? Just ask an impartial expert, like Specialized:
“Inventor,” really? This was a 2004 Specialized Roubaix:
Unlike its contemporaries that “didn’t work because you couldn’t fit real-world tires,” it came with…short-reach brakes and 25mm tires:
Remember: no road bike in 2004 had short-reach brakes and fit 25mm tires except for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
But there was more to the Roubaix than the fact that the head tube was a little higher than the one on the Tarmac and it was called the “Roubaix.” There was also the renowned placebo effect of the revolutionary Zertz insert:
The way it worked was that it soaked up all the road buzz until it gradually turned a smoker’s-tooth yellow. This meant it was full, at which point it had to be removed and buried in order to re-release the vibrations safely back into the Earth:
[Specialized Zertz Disposal Site, Morgan Hill, CA]
And today the Roubaix remains just as innovative:
I know because I watched the video:
The Roubaix will help you “crush” your next ride thanks to its suspension system:
Simply twist to engage FRANTIC NUCLEAR BALLISTIC SPRINT MODE:
People love to feel like they’re engaging something mechanical, up until the point at which it requires actual technique. That’s why stuff like mechanical shifting and rim brakes have completely disappeared, and even the suspension systems have electronic sensors now, yet you still have to twist a knob on your new Roubaix before you sprint for some reason. It’s sort of like how today’s automotive transmissions and drivetrains are way smarter than their clueless, coddled drivers, yet they still have a button for “sport” and “mud” modes and maybe even a fake “manual” mode, so you can pretend you’re a real race car driver, like a toddler with a toy making “vroom-vroom” noises:
Suspension system notwithstanding, rest assured you can still feel the road, because at about 15 seconds into the video you can see the mesmerizing undulations of her flesh, muscles, and minimal body fat:
The upshot is that the latest Roubaix is “lighter, faster, and smoother than any road bike ever made:”
“AHEM, I’m over here!,” says George Plimpton’s Y-Foil:
I mean the Roubaix is probably lighter but I’m not believing the “faster and smoother” part until someone performs a side-by-side slow-motion body undulation video complete with fat deflection data right down to the fraction of a millimeter.
As for tire clearance, the Roubaix can handle a 40mm tire:
Wait, I’m sorry, was I supposed to be impressed?
Everybody knows tire clearance doesn’t count if you had to resort to a disc brake to get it.
